“Love in all Directions: a Pizza Fanfic”
I wrote a fanfic today about my OT3. Tried to make it SFW, but it’s a little steamy.
1. Augie (Sausage)
She melted into him as he lost himself in her steamy sauce. The flames were burning higher and higher, and their coming together was as spicy as crushed red pepper. It was so good, so hot, so overwhelming. Za began to moan: “Oh Augie, I love—“
The alarm sounded, and Augie woke up. It was 6:30 am, and he was alone in his bed. “Just another dream,” he sighed, forcing himself out of bed and into the bathroom.
Half an hour later, he was standing at the bus stop, day-dreaming of Za, the prettiest, coolest girl at school. He was so lost in his fantasies that he didn’t notice the bus had come.
“Come on, kid,” the driver yelled.
Augie rushed inside and sat next to his best friend, Shrooms.
“I had the dream again last night,” Augie said.
“You’re still crusting on Za? She thinks she’s all that and a side of breadsticks just because she has a lot of dough,” Shrooms said.
“Don’t say that about her. She’s smart and funny—and nice, and—“
“If you dig her so much, stop telling me about it and tell her,” Shrooms said.
“But Pizza’s with Pepe—there’s no way she’d ever going for a topping like me.”
“Augie, Pepe’s a stupid prep. You’re the real Italian Stallion, man. You just have to go for it. Like at Pasta’s party tomorrow night. Just walk up to her and lay it on.”
Augie was about to ask how exactly to go about “laying it on,” when Pasta entered the bus. Augie sighed as Shrooms jumped across the aisle to sit beside her. While Shrooms and Pasta started noodling, Augie stared out the window and thought of Za.
2. Pepe (Pepperoni)
Pepe’s eyes fluttered open. He saw the clock. 7:45. “Cod slam it!” he cried. “Hey, babe, can you drive me to school today? I totally missed the bus.”
“Too early. Still sleeping,” Callie moaned.
Pepe checked his cell phone. 6 missed calls, all from Za. He grimaced. “Za called me 6 times last night. Fudge!”
“When are you going to drop that little girl and admit to everyone that you’ve moved onto bigger and better things?” Callie said, pulling him back into bed.
“Listen, Calzone, I told you from the beginning, this is just a hook-up thing. Za’s the prettiest, most popular girl in school. And her dad’s rich. I’m not giving that up. You’re just my naughty, little secret.”
“Fudge you!” she yelled, shoving him off the bed. “Get yourself to class by yourself, bass-hole!”
Pepe burst into Italian Food class fifteen minutes into Za’s class presentation.
“Nice of you to join us,” said Dr Pepper.
“Sorry, sir. I was going to bike to school, but when I got to the garage, turns out my brother had already taken it,” Pepe said. He looked to his brother Augie. “Right?”
Augie nodded.
“Enough with the excuses, Pepe le Pew. A tardy is a tardy. Now, shall we continue with this lovely young lady’s presentation on the Food Wars?”
3. Za (Pizza)
Za was sitting at the lunch table across from her best friend, Pasta. Cod only knew where Pepe was. Probably off flirting with Submarina Sandwich.
“I don’t know what you see in that Mushrooms kid,” Za said, taking a sip of her tomato sauce.
Pasta twirled her tendrils. “Oh, Zaza, you’re so innocent. It’s just a physical thing. It’s not like we’re exclusive or anything.”
“But you could do so much better,” Za insisted. “He’s such a hippie loser. He just hangs out under the bleachers all day, smoking wheat and getting sconed off his bass!”
“Is a piece of pizza really going to criticize another dish for getting baked? And anyway, at least he’s funny. And he’s nice. Which is more than I can say for some toppings.” Pasta gave Za a knowing look.
“Pepe’s nice!” Za said. She looked down at her plate. “Sometimes.”
“If you say so.”
The bell rang, and the two went off to their separate classes.
As she headed to Pizzual Education, Za thought about the way Pasta called her innocent. As if it were some accusation. What was so wrong with being innocent? And besides, she wasn’t really that angelic. If only someone could see the real her.
Za stood in front of the door to Pizzual Education class. Only half the students on the attendance list were there—Za was the only popular kid who actually went to P.E. “Fudge it,” Za said to herself, as she walked away.
She didn’t know where to go—she’d never skipped class before. She spotted a janitor staring at her across the hall and wondered if he would report on her. Staying inside seemed dangerous, so she rushed outside toward the football field. She was strolling beneath the bleachers, when suddenly she half-tripped over something.
“Watch out, man,” someone said.
She looked down, and there, in a cloud of smoke, was a topping.
“Smoking wheat, Shrooms?” she said. “Why am I not surprised?”
“Skipping class, Za? Didn’t think you had it in you,” he said.
“There are a lot of things you don’t know about me,” she said, sitting down next to him. “Everyone thinks I’m so naïve, but really, I’m not. There’s so much more to me. Like the whole school knows about Pepe and Callie, and they think I don’t know, but I do. I just don’t say anything.”
“And why is that?” Shrooms said.
“I don’t know,” she admitted.
“Well, maybe you should start saying something.” Shrooms took a long drag.
“Give me a hit of that,” she said.
Shrooms grinned. “Now you’re talking.”
Za spent the next two class period high on wheat, high on life, and high on Shrooms. For the rest of the school day, she expected at every moment for one of the instructors to call her out. But no one seemed to notice. She didn’t know if it was liberating or depressing.
After school, Pepe had lacrosse practice, so Za walked to her car alone. Suddenly she noticed Augie ahead of her.
“Hey, Augie.”
He turned around. “Oh! Hi, Za!”
“Walking home?” she said.
“Yeah, I missed the bus.”
“Aren’t you riding your brother’s bike back?”
“What? Oh yeah, the bike. Well, er, since I took it this morning—without telling Pepe—I said he could ride it home.”
“Right,” Za said. “Well, I could give you a ride.”
Driving him home, Za couldn’t help thinking that sometimes she wished Pepe were more like his brother. Sure, Augie was awkward, but he was a nice. Pasta was right. Nice toppings were hard to find.
She pulled into his driveway.
“Well, thanks for the ride, Za,” he said.
She kissed him on the cheek.
“Thanks. Wow. Thanks,” he said. He stared at her for a moment with what would’ve been longing eyes if sausages had eyes. Then he popped off his seatbelt and left the car.
4. Shrooms (Mushrooms)
The next day during P.E., Augie sat down with Shrooms beneath the bleachers. Augie looked incredibly happy.
“Another dream, Mr. Romance?” Shrooms said, lighting up. “I’ve got to tell you, I talked to Za yesterday, and she’s really not as bad as I thought.”
Augie made a dopey grin. “She kissed me yesterday. On the cheek, but still. She kissed me.”
Shrooms looked away. “Listen, Augie, me and Za, we sort of hooked up yesterday.”
“What? When?”
“During P.E. Underneath the bleachers. Look, we’d both smoked a lot of wheat, and—“
“I can’t believe you’d do that to me!” Augie shouted, jumping to his feet. “You’re supposed to be my best friend!”
“I was sconed! I didn’t know what I was doing!”
“Yeah, well, you’re always sconed. You know, yesterday, at lunch, I overheard Za say that. She called you a hippie loser!”
Shrooms stood up beside him. “Listen, Augie. It’s not Za I want, and it’s not Pasta. It’s you.” He forced his lips to Augie’s.
Augie backed away. “Woah.”
“Come on,” Shrooms insisted. “You had to have known, I’ve always wanted you.”
“I can’t handle this right now. I just need time.” Augie walked away, and Shrooms just stood there. Even though he was incredibly sconed, he was also very sad.
For the first time since he graduated the refrigerator, Shrooms was not excited to go to a party. Besides, he only ever got invited because people knew he could score them some wheat. That was all he was good for. A laugh and a high.
He looked across the crowded room but couldn’t spot Augie. He probably hadn’t even showed up. He was probably at home turking off to a fantasy of Za. Cod, Shrooms thought, I’ve really fudged things up this time.
Shrooms tried to force his way to the kitchen, where the drinks would be, but he got stuck halfway because Anne Chovie and Sal Ami were fighting at the center of the room. Those two kept falling apart, but they always found their way back together. That’s real love, Shrooms thought. He hoped he and Augie would find their way back, too.
Suddenly, Sal called Anne a glut, and Anne made to throw her drink at Sal, but Sal ducked. And then Shrooms was soaking with tomato sauce.
“Fudge,” he said.
“Oh, Shrooms! I’m so sorry,” Anne said.
“Yeah, whatever.” Shrooms pushed her aside and headed to the bathroom.
He opened the door, and there, to his horror, was Augie and Za, going at it.
“Sorry, sorry!” Shrooms yelped. He was about to shove the door closed when Augie stopped him.
“Shrooms, wait,” he said.
“You two just get back to your—get back to your whatever,” Shrooms said. “I don’t want to see this. I can’t!”
“No, just wait. I was thinking about what happened earlier today. When you, when you kissed me.”
Shrooms looked down.
“Listen, you’re my best friend, and—and I want you, too,” Augie said.
Shrooms raised his head. “Wait, what? Then why are you with her?”
“Look, man, it’s not like we’re stuck in some overdramatic, monogamist teen drama. I mean, Jesus Crust, we’re food products! It can be three of us. Sausage, Shrooms, and Pizza.”
Shrooms did not object to this arrangement, and Za always wanted to know what it was like to have two toppings slip inside her cheese at once. And so they came together, and not only was it saucy, not only was it steamy, it was real love in all three directions.
